What are you withholding?

Inspired by blog post of Mike Hrostoski, I sat behind the computer with a certain level of expectations. What is going to come out of this?

I am withholding the sadness from the end of a friendship with my best friend. It slowly dawns on me how much I actually miss him. I feel like I should forget his betrayal and reconcile, however he never genuinely apologized, only made excuses.

I am withholding the feeling of boredom. Lately I was forcing myself to focus on work, to educate myself, to discover my next step in the game called life. I am neither spontaneous, nor satisfied with the current state of events. The fun part, the excitement, is missing.

I am withholding the fear. The fear of not being enough, of not knowing enough, of not having enough skills, enough charm, enough abilities… to succeed whether at work, with the girls or relationships in general. I am talking, not doing. At least not as much as I should.

I am withholding a need to receive love. My latest connections with the girls ended without a success. My emotional investment then was in vain. Whatever the reasons were. I feel the need to love someone with all my heart, with all the risk of being hurt, and I need to be loved in return. I’ve suppressed emotions in the past and now they are bubbling under the surface, they have to go out.

I am withholding the fear of comparison of me and my peers. Peers, who are travelling a lot. Who seem to be having a lot of fun. Who seem to be successful with women, with their jobs.

I am withholding the fear of being left behind. Rarely anyone gets in touch. I rarely get invited, but then, I do rarely invite. I am worried that I am missing something. I am missing the life, which is flowing right pass me.

I am withholding the fear of both success and failure. My fear of not being enough undermines any potential success, my fear of failure makes me avoid trying. I am stuck. It sucks. Along with these I am withholding the fear of rejection.

I am withholding the fear of sharing my blog posts, since I am afraid that people will judge me, laugh at me, leave me behind. I am conforming while I claim the anti-conformity is a solution.

I am withholding how badly I manage my friendships. I am hurting certain people over small things, missing the larger frame and the depth of their personality.

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About Petr Klíma